I’m going to put it bluntly I’m feeling restless and uninspired by life. The feeling has been floating for a while now but it wasn’t really too prominent until now. I’d just spent a month sitting still in the UK so I assumed I was getting itchy feet because I needed an adventure. But that adventure has been and gone now and I’ve been restless since landing back in London. Just days before this I’d said how it was funny that when my life was all packed up I never missed home and the routine but when we were just on holiday I found myself keen to get home and back to normal. I’m not sure which cloud my head was in when I said that because right now I can’t even imagine wanting this ‘normal’. There is no routine to my ‘normal’ life, I’m counting down the days until I go back to university and I’m fed up with the uncertainty of what each days holds. I know I should appreciate the summer and my free time but I just don’t understand how to do nothing. That just isn’t me.
It isn’t just the lack of routine to my life that has made this summer feel like a chore. My real problem is that I’m stuck. For the first time in five years I have no plans to uproot, change course and throw myself to the wind. I’m very much in my comfort zone and life is throwing little challenges my way. I’m sure most people would take comfort in this but not me and the biggest realisation of this was when I started to get ill this summer. I used to be very ill, all of the time but until this summer I hadn’t seen a doctor for the last five years (unless travel related). Instead of concentrating my time on the next step in my life I’ve had time to think and worry about everything. With nothing to fill my time I’ve stressed myself into being ill. I find staying still in life frustrating and I’m jealous of anyone who is making the leap to move and work abroad. Worst of all, I find no inspiration from my current life to grab it my the balls and challenge myself within my daily life.
More days than not I feel like I am being squashed by the weight of the world rather than being on top of the world.
My life is a constant muddle of finding things to fill my time and attempting to work a handful of tiny plans around each other. This situation has been made worse by knowing small changes are coming to my life. I will be moving house in September to live in a lady’s spare room and no longer with my boyfriend. This will be the first time I have lived with anyone else since Melbourne and over the summer I’ve tried to imagine my life there but just can’t. After the move in September I will then be preparing myself for a long distance relationship for the next year as my boyfriend moves over to Rio to work on the 2016 olympics. Given everything I’ve said above, you’d think these changes would be enough to throw anyone out of their comfort zone and challenge them. Instead I’ve become restless with the knowing and waiting for my situation to change. I’ve never been good at waiting and that is exactly what this chapter in my life feels like.
I’m craving that kind of adventure where every sense is enlighten with a buzzing feeling. The kind of place where nothing feels familiar and even daily tasks push you from your comfort zone. I want to walk down the street and it take ten minutes to do a two minute journey because I’m so curious and inspired by my surroundings. I want to order my dinner at a restaurant and not have a clue what it will taste like. An adventure where I experience something new everyday and am travelling through and living in the countries I fantasise about.
My head is lost in dreams of teaching abroad and moving from country to country as I do so. My dreams are still what I’m building towards and that is how I know I’m still on the right course.
This post isn’t about if I should quit university or not. Without this chapter in my life, I won’t be able to reach the dreams I have for the future. Instead this is my way of expressing the struggles I have with staying still and how going back to education is hard but very worth it.