Lately I’ve been struggling with what I should do: should I follow my heart or my head. I know in my head and heart I want to be a teacher and I want to be able to teach abroad but to get there with any decent opportunities I have to do a three year degree. This is something I have mentioned several times on the blog and at the end of last year I accepted an offer to study at Roehampton University in London this coming September. Since accepting that offer my heart has moved on…
Earlier this month marked three months of living in Glasgow, three months of being in a routine, three months of being without sunshine. Since that three month mark has passed I have done nothing but read blog after blog of amazing adventures. Be it something I’ve already done or something I now want to do. I have been yearning to get my backpack on again and set off on a new adventure. The lucky thing is I get to do that in two weeks; the problem is, it’s only for a week and I know it’s only going to make life here seem harder and more mundane.
Knowing that I start a degree in September, you are probably wondering why I’m spending the last nine months of freedom in the UK. Well there’s several reasons for that; firstly my boyfriend got offered a contract until August that was well paid and an opportunity he couldn’t turn down. Secondly I have bridesmaid duty for my two best friends who are getting married in the summer. That has me wondering; should I be doing that? I see them saving and buying houses, my head knowing that is sensible my heart wanting to run away from sensible. Hell I don’t even know if I want to live in the UK forever let along stop travelling just now. I don’t think I could bring myself to spend my savings on marriage or a house when my other option is seeing the world.
I read stories of backpackers’ lives, I imagine the way their day to day life is and I’m instantly jealous. I want sunshine every day and a beach right on my doorstep, I want little to no responsibility except getting a few hours’ work done. Yet I’m the one who has applied for a three year degree tying me to one place, with responsibility and my bank account being drained. Having to live in the same place for three years is a bit scary but not having the money to get away on adventures is more than a bit scary.
Seeing so many people on facebook getting engaged is scaring me, it’s making me question myself and think sensibly. What do I want in my future? Do I want to be stuck in some bullshit job because I’m yet to qualify in something better. I don’t want to be a nanny forever or work in a bar – owning my own café would be okay but that would then tie me to that place. Do I want to be rent an apartment for the rest of my life or should I be putting some money aside to buy my own place one day. These are all questions I don’t need answers to right now but I do need to think about these things before suddenly I’m 30 and regretting being silly with my decisions. Asking myself these questions puts dread in my mind that growing up isn’t fun, I don’t want a mortgage to pay or to ever have to settle down.
Making these decisions and even taking the step to start uni feels like growing up to me. I started travelling because I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life and now the thought of not travelling scares me. I’m sure there is a balance to a work and travel life but why can’t I just travel. I like travelling, I’m good at travelling. I don’t like knowing what the year will bring, I don’t like having everything mapped out so far ahead of me. I like being spontaneous, I like being able to follow someone else because I like where they are going.
I know what I want in my heart and I know what I want in my head; I just don’t know what I want to choose. I want to be a grown up and a traveller but I don’t know how to be both and I don’t know which one I want more. I know what is sensible and what is me. I know I want to teach but why can’t starting a degree wait just another year?